I ask my daughter if she’d prefer cremation or a cemetery grave if I should die in the near future. It’s a hypothetical. Rachel and I just read a memoir by a woman whose 34 year old husband died in a car accident two miles from home. It got us thinking.
Alani and I are sitting at Starbucks. She’s nursing a blackberry Izzi.
“Cemetery” Alani says immediately.
She says she’d like a place to visit.
I ask her about the concerns Rachel expressed. That unlike an urn of ashes, a grave requires tending, and sometimes a lengthy trip in the car. And that if you couldn’t make it on a particular anniversary, you might feel guilty.
“Yeah,” Alani says, thinking it over. “Like, I might be filming a movie in Italy, and not be able to make it back.”
I’m not sure what event she wouldn’t be able to make it back for. Do people visit graves on particular days? Birthdays? Wedding anniversaries? Death anniversaries?
“Tell you what,” I say. I tell give her advance permission not to visit me on any particular day. Just whenever she feels like it. Or not.
Alani nods, and moves on to discuss the things she’d like me to leave her in my will.
Reading both of your blogs on this subject, I can tell you I think it’s a good idea to figure out what your preferences are. My mother & father are 87 & 90 respectively and when my fathers’ health started to sharply decline last year, I asked my mom if they had a burial plan- they don’t. Hadn’t really thought about it!!!! Seriously? Who doesn’t ‘think’ about it when you get to the other side of 50??? Mind boggling!
My 2 cents about the vs.: my (older) brother died in 1979, I’ve been to the cemetery once since the funeral. His body (what’s left of it) is there; he’s spirit is with me (and the rest of my family). I prefer to think of him -and I do all the time- when either a memory is recalled, or a person, place or thing reminds me of him in some fashion. My vote: cremation & spread my ashes over the ocean or in my garden – …ashes to ashes, dust to dust… My logic: cleaner, less cluttering up of land resources. Next time you drive by a cemetery, count how many people you see ‘visiting.’
Thanks. It appears that it all comes down to personal preference – not of the deceased, but of the survivors. I described to my daughter the decorative urn that would be on the mantle if I got cremated, and she interupted me. “Dad!” she said. “I DON”T want ASHES!”